• Alana Krushen

Starting over. Again.

Updated: Mar 28, 2020

An art apparent to others, I often practice with homes, furniture and vehicles.

But behind the scenes I’m in constant argument with self. Starting over with love.

I’ve worked hard over a short lifetime to love myself, as we all must. Starting over more times than I can count. Left ever trying new angles, new respects. Fitness, a side salad of pampering, and body art.

Struggling with acceptance of my weight as I grew into sexuality. Being called names like skeletor, and cruel metaphors comparing my body structure to a 2x4.

I was in loathing of my birthed form. I padded my bras and looked to diet pills because maybe then it would appear intentional. I was 13.

Years gone by, I was slowly accepting my weight - a humble smile anytime people told me “get some meat on your bones”.

Frustrated now, only with my weight limiting my strength. I looked to fitness and mass protein powders to gain weight. I did some, was excelling at the gym and genuinely enjoying the body I was cultivating. I was 27.

And then I separated my shoulder.

Hospital visits, physiotherapy, and endless massage appointments gave very little reward.

I’ve since gained 40 pounds. I have chronic pain, stretch marks, and limited sleeping positions.

Life. It sometimes gives you what you ask for, in a way you never expected.

So I trudge forward again through the alleyways of self loathing.

Failing at gym routines, healthy eating, and letting myself down on promises to take better care of self.

The answer?

To keep trying.

Recent Posts

See All

Somewhere between the heart-warming & wrenching I find myself overcome with 12 hours of emotion. This isn’t unusual for me, a trigger like this can happen at any moment. A grocery store, a conversatio